Ian

Nobody will read this, but it's good for me to know that there's a possibility somebody will.

I don't understand my place anymore. And if my place is correct, how can I determine if it's what I want? As I dawn upon an age which requires so much more definition, I find myself stepping backwards, askew, confused, altered. The sheer brilliance of the light before me is bright, too bright. While I could easily step right through, as my maturity clearly proves that the step is plausible, I refuse. To further define my bounds is repulsive. Men have always lived for independence (whether presented in action or if it just lied in the back of their minds) and freedom. Why is it that I, a young man of recent eighteen, must narrow his path after learning such history. Here I use conundrum, for it's the first time I've ever been able to use it, but here lies a conundrum.

It was only half an hour ago that I dosed off reading "Heart of Darkness", a story speaking very generally on a man's expedition to Congo. As my mind wandered towards its own selfishly tasteful darkness, I awoke to a call from Tennessee, an unexpected call. In answer and asking "Who is this?", I found for it to be a moronic dipshit from Tennessee who had the wrong number and proceeded to call me three more times 'til I turned off my phone. All these subtleties bring about thoughts towards a greater, bigger world. Life is not confined to Naperville, nor is it confined to Illinois, nor so with the United States. With this I leave the floor open, for my mind fallen asleep.

I know now that it's true
I couldn't live without you
It's been only one day
a single day of your absence
and I think back two nights
staying til morning felt so right
to wake up that pretty face
and a sun to boot
kicker to the whicker basket
wake to a smile worth a life time
and i ask
is it love?

first off, either i posted that "r" post on accident, or i didn't and someone's gotten ahold of my password. so whatever.

second off.

this was a great week. except for the beginning and end.

beginning i was totally depressed. why? why now of all times? lack of physical activity.

played a lot of bball. hung with my G, things are strong. watched the matrix and ate homemade chocolate cookies. saw 300.

then it ended. b/c i said something about how my dad should go get the salad b/c he's already up. now i can't drive for an entire week, even though this is the one week i definitely need to, because with it being spring week and all, as part of the student government body, i'm fuckin stressed as all get out and i won't be home nearly all week. so my parents, mostly my dad, is a fuckin idiot. basically, they have to drive me to 10 sponsors, aka 10 stores, then my trumpet lesson. and more for the next days

i just wish my dad would fuck off for once. there's no reason for this kind of reaction. ever.

i'm so close to breaking everything is this entire fucking house.

that

and calling me pathetic for not being able to wake up.
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKkkkk
tell me if this is pathetic. honestly.
so i sleep soundly. very soundly. yelling won't wake me up. but apparently my dad thinks i'll still wake up to him screaming at me, but it doesn't work and then i get in trouble.
this is on the weekends.
then i get in trouble on school days.
because i get yelled at for turning my alarm up too loud. so i've turned it down a bit, but it takes me about an hour every day to finally break from the sleep state and wake up. but it's still pretty loud, so i get in trouble. so i changed it and set it to really fucking loud. so fucking loud that it almost broke the fucking speaker. i woke up instantly, but i get yelled at. and now i'm called pathetic.

SORRY DAD FOR NOT SLEEPING UNSOUNDLY LIKE YOU AND WAKING UP EVERY FUCKING HOUR YOU DIRT BAG.

so my dad gets really stressed out easily. especially over his blood pressure. he goes to the doctor. they go to take his blood pressure and he starts shaking stressed to the core, then his blood pressure skyrockets b/c he's shaking and all.
now that. that's pathetic dad, but i don't tell it to your face. i feel sorry for you. it's something that you can't change, it's part of you. same for me fuck face. i can't change the way i sleep. it's been like this for years. sorry i'm different.
when i'm 18. and i move out. if perhaps i have to live on the street. i'll be happier than i am here.
i'm tired of your bull shit
and irrational behavior towards me
i know you're stressed too
but learn that i am as well
i'm learning harder shit than you've ever dealt with even in college.
when i told you what our apush prompt was, and you had no idea what i was talking about.
well guess what, it's fuckin hard, and i get it. everything i'm doing this year is fucking hard. you can't even do my math. let alone the majority of my phsyics.
don't tell me you're going to knock my lights out
i'll fight you and kick your ass.
and just for your information, if you ever ask me to fight again, and again i'm holding my lacrosse 12 foot defensive lacrosse stick. i'll knock your fuckin lights out and you'll be in the hospital. leave me ALONE!!!!!!!!!! stop blaming shit on me. stop it. JUST FUCKING STOP IT.

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i've hated you ever since you started blaming me for doing stuff i didn't even fucking do back in 8th grade. i admitted i was irrational at times, but at times when you were and it went on for days, and then you realized you were wrong and you'd force me into saying that i accepted your apology or i was grounded. not once have i accepted one in my heart or head. i appreciate you bringing me up at such i high standard in comparison to most of the world and chances that most people get.

but seriously
every night
before I go to bed
i wonder


Why the hell did you ever decide to have kids?

think about that some time while you're on the shitter and maybe at your most despicable moments you'll realize that you're nothing more than a dick to me. for christ sake, you're 40 years older than me. a stressful outburst doesn't deserve this kind of reaction. ugh, what else to say.



hey dad,


fuck you.

r

arguments suck.

especially when they were unnecessary

we were both tired
and because of that
it escalated from there (because i talk a lot when i'm tired)

thought the repecussions were over

but they're not

take me away from this place temporarily

i'll return when it's calmed again

i care. i love you. i really think i do.
can you trust that? believe that?

if you believe,
they put a man on the moon.

R.E.M. speaks from the darkness
tell me. i want to hear your voice.
give me another choice.
take me back to that moment.
i wouldn't have driven 20 minutes
through a 6 inch snow drift
if i didn't plan on making amends

i miss you all the time. this weekend especially.
been much too long since i've spent quality time
with that pretty face.
that pretty mind.

you refuse to tear
and refuse to talk
what will tomorrow be like
fuck the snow

tell me it's alright
tell me we'll jump over this lame unimportant dispute
so what? now you think i'm an un-moralistic bastard
while my eyes droop i say thing i'd rather not



i see

there's no explaining my way out of this one
i knew it wasn't possible anyways

please talk to me
tell me your troubles
i want to talk to you
i don't want to talk to your face
with its pre-registered responses
i want to talk to you
you
i want to speak with you

ok. so i'm going to make this a good entry because i am making a promise to myself not to go on this week from after this until after school friday. So if you see me online, in any shape or form, yell at me. please.

life is continuing it wonderful path down the road. sure i didn't end up getting my hair cut today, because shauni woosed out. she promised to do it on the 4 day weekend coming up; that's like a week wait almost. sweet. i'll put pictures up when it happens :D, or you can just check my myspace/facebook.

grades are heading a little downwards. and i know that's due to my excessive procrastination in both studying and homework. hence the reason for my first obligation.

today was really fun. got to hang with my G. party it up with some homie. got really pissed when my dad called and freaked on me, but it fixed itself out. feeling pretty confident overall for this 4 day school week ahead of us. things are just going really well. i couldn't be happier.

the bumps in the road with my family will flatten, as long as i continue to think ahead and beat them to anything they can ever get mad at me for.
it's getting warmer, i have my window open right now and it's lovely. the snow is perfect for throwing at things which i love. good stress reliever and its just like a ifinite supply of baseballs. yum.

things with my G are going well. really well. for the first time ever relationship-wise i feel honesty, trust, care, fun, anything you can possibly think of. it's like, somehow, the gears fell into place and gave me a chance with the prettiest girl i've ever laid eyes on. whatever happened, i'm overjoyed it did.

things with friends are going well. i know there are some homies i haven't chilled with in a while, but i'm working on it. i've seen a few over the past few days, good chill outs. time constraints have come up, which is understandable right? i mean, bros before hoes, i know i know. i'm a big advocate of that. i need to work my times out better, homework especially. with my G and homework, that's what my life has been pretty centered around as of the past month and a half..almost 2 months. so i promise to work on that. whether or not those guys read it, it's been said. and in the process of being done.

homework has been taking a dive. granted, my grades are already better than last semester, except for one, which is completely my fault and i'm getting on top of now.

concentration is higher. period. friends and relationship stuff usually stresses me out, and detracts from that. but really, that's all rolling to be pretty steady. i plan on keeping it that way. any drama that comes up. boom. push it to the side. no point in letting that get in my way.

future attractions are proving to be motivators: 300 is coming out (it's gonna be a sweet movie), ben folds in april (to be planned soon), things around the house that need fixing, (with my homework getting done earlier) books that i've been wanting to read for months - some years (sad i know).

plus, i know some of my buds out there are having a harder time than i am. that may seem kinda sick? but yeah, knowing someone out there that's close to you that's having a hard time, it makes it hit so much more close to home. and i want to help them, which is the source of the motivation. so not so sick after all.

i'm probably going to find a simple job around town. something that fits me. i kinda need money. wait, no, i do "need" money. i need to pay people back. work ahead for colleges (which i got somewhere around...18 letters in two days! - insane!). i want to be able to do special things for those around me that deserve it. but yeah, any ideas of where i can work? give me them please. currently, i'm thinking...my dad's friend works in his own wine store every saturday, and i know it's illegal for me to sell wine. but maybe if i cleaned up the place and worked on stuff around i could have a job!...or possibly, make my own 'company' with someone else in the same boat, and we can clean houses (because i do that at home already) and do maintenance work...or maybe just find a nice book store around. mhmm, i just want to find a nice place that doesn't require heavy hours. maybe a few each day of the weekend, and i can get expected weekly income for the amount of hours in work.

i hate work, but so be it.

:D summer is going to be amazing.

keep it real my homies. love you all. send me some feedback for when i come back on friday.

-Ian


current hero

Smile my friends.

I've heard Ben Folds will be here in April.
I didn't know, and now I'm excited.

Tomorrow will be awesome! The weekend has been awesome so far. I will be finishing my homework within the next few hours then going to bed really late. Waking up. Heading over to her house. Then the bank. Then back to my house. She's cutting my hair. Then partizzle. mmm :D.

Lucky Ducky.

I miss the warmer days.
It'll be soon enough I guess.
That's when the fun will begin. :D

Keep it real my G's and Homebags.
This life has just begun.

P.S. I started growing mold in my basement!

so the snow day screwed up my valentines plans
but it turned out to be ok
not quite what i imagined
but i'm just such a lucky guy
mmmmmmm this weekend will be excellent
i can feel it
chill weekend

i know it's late now
which is why this is fast
but i feel a new motivation
working on setting up my independent study for next year
trumpet stuff - working on getting together a jazz group this weekend
history :D

yum

It 'twas a good weekend.

Friday I chilled with Jon and Gina.

Saturday I chilled with Shauni, Jon, Gina, and Howie.
Then, we went to a party. My amp "wasn't working". Ended up getting to work. I think Howie flipped the right switch finally. It was going well. I partied hardcore. Then I had to go home because I wasn't supposed to be out. I was escorted and it was lovely. Got home. All was well.

Today. Visited Shauni before her recital. Met up with Adam, chilled. It was pretty much the ultimate chill day that was highly needed. It was good. I'm very happy.

I couldn't be more happy with where I'm at right now.

I know I've said that before.

Deal. :D

How do you tell someone:
"I'm sorry, but I've never loved you. I only thought I did. I was actually just in love with the idea of you."

In our times of loneliness, we tend to move towards whatever direction makes us feel most important. It was for the longest time that I felt I needed you, but I was wrong. I needed companionship; I needed to feel worth something. As you've complied all this time, I thank you. You've done your best to keep me up, although you haven't been here. I know I'm nothing real to you either by the way you talk of me, of yourself, of us.

It was the last time you dropped by, that I realized, "Why?" Then you left, and I went to go meet up with someone else.

Sheena isn't a manipulator. She said it as it was. She was right. You and I never had anything really in common, except that we hated being lonely. Some things never change. I still want to be friends though. Friend's don't need anything in common. Friends just need to comply, you've been good at that. So have I.

Within as short as a month, everything's changed. I've changed. Grades. Friends. Feelings. Attitude. Thoughts. Smile.

I like where I am.

I like who I am.

It's that simple.

No, you can't convince me this time.

A month ago, I finally let go.

It's the best decision I've made in years.